so it's been awhile!
shortly after my applefest post, i discovered that i was four weeks pregnant! that was crazy and the next two weeks were filled with all kinds of worry and hysteria. this is my usual way of processing things (though i would love for it to someday not to be my usual way). whenever i find out new information--for example, first day of school-- i get the syllabus and stare at it and melt down because ohmygoshhowwillieversurvive?! and it feels like it's all expected of me all at once. well that was my reaction to finding out i was pregnant, even though C and i had talked about it for months and months and knew it was something we wanted.
right off the bat we asked several families near us to start covering us with prayer, because i had let a spirit of fear into our home and into my mind and it was sucking life out of us. fear of just about everything-- of being a horrible mother, of bloodclots, of complications, of a deformed baby, loss of individuality, loss of privacy, becoming undesirable, loneliness, etc. i'm sure there are so many women that feel this way-- and i've been battling these feelings for years about having children, so it was no surprise to me when they surged up again all at once. but i wasn't prepared to face them once and for all. wasn't prepared to fight the lies that i had believed for so long. and oh my every time i would read something about a child teaching you about how selfish you really are i'd just melt down-- this year has been such a horrible test of faith for me-- and i feel like every flaw every sin every fear i have ever had has come out and i've seen myself for who i am. and i just couldn't (and still can't) bear the thought of there being more i don't know about. more sickness. more poison in my heart threatening my joy, my friendships, and my family. more dark holes to be first emptied before they can be filled.
so the past two months have been a huge struggle for me-- and i can't quite say i've overcome yet. every day is a struggle with loneliness and fear. but there is also much i find joy in now-- which is a step in the right direction. i think seeing the baby on the 11wk ultrasound helped me be happy about it-- which sounds weird-- but when i saw it dancing on the ultrasound it didn't look like a dinosaur, it looked like a tiny person having a party. i laughed about it for the first time. and C has been so supportive and excited, that has made me more excited. getting to tell more people and seeing their excitement has made me excited. and several friends that i am close to have been similarly rocked by fear in pregnancy-- and they have such cute little babies now! and they are such great moms. and i think, if ____ can do it, then maybe i can too!
but that is why i have taken such a long absence from blogging and f.acebook-- for one, i didn't want family or friends we'd told accidentally 'outing' us until we were ready. and secondly, i just didn't even know what to say. fear had so completely taken hold of me that when people would say 'congratulations' i was just numb and awkward. how do you respond when it's socially unacceptable to be so fearful of something that is considered a beautiful blessing? i felt so guilty. there are so many women out there who want and deserve babies so much more than me-- many of them are my friends--why was i given a baby when i was having trouble finding joy in it? oh so much guilt. but i think that God teaches us through things that are hard for us individually-- and even though being pregnant is such a joy for some women, it has been a test of faith for me. i say i trust God, but how much do i really trust God? do i trust Him with my body? with my child's body? with my sanity in the post-delivery mess of no sleep breastfeeding constant company? with monetary provision? with delivering on blood thinners? with being a shepherd to my child? (that's one of the biggest ones that buckles me-- so much fear that i will cause them to learn the wrong things about Christ, because i do not fully know or fully follow). so i can say confidently now that i did not trust God two months ago-- and sometimes i still don't-- but i want to and i am learning.
but i am finding joy in it now-- hence the public announcement. and if you could read the quote on the board, it says: "you are the poem i never knew how to write, and this is the story i have always wanted to tell." a quote i picked specifically because it is beautiful but also hints at my struggles-- i feel like it explains perfectly how i feel about having a baby! so please don't feel weird in your congratulations. but we do covet your prayers in the midst of our current entrepreneurial-monthtomonth situation, as well as prayers for my health and the little one's health and the continued provision of blood thinners through insurance.
i appreciate all of you and thank God for you.
Sarah, I can relate to some of what you wrote in this post. I had a huge spirit of fear in my pregnancy with Milo (though, thankfully, not with Linus). Some of my fears were losing Milo (since we miscarried in our first pregnancy early on) and just delivery in general. With Linus, I didn't have as much time alone to dwell on those types of things, and pregnancy/delivery wasn't the big "unknown" to me that it had been with Milo. But with Milo, I for sure struggled. I thankfully had many wonderful people who covered me in prayer and encouragement and I plan to do the same for you, as much as I can, these next few months, because it is so rewarding to pay it forward when we have received valuable words and help ourselves.
ReplyDeleteI do want to encourage you-- I think when people (well, at least me) talk about parenting showing you how selfish you are-- it's not at ALL because parts of yourself you don't know about start surfacing or holes needing to be emptied before they can be filled (but I can completely understand why you would probably be tempted to think in that direction). Maybe it is like that for some people, but for me, it's been more about realizing how my time pre-children was so NECESSARILY me-centric, in the sense that I didn't have to take care of anybody but myself. Marriage makes you more aware of that, too-- you just have this realization that you can't necessarily make your own decisions. If you want to go to sleep, sometimes you can't; if you want to eat a certain food but your husband or children don't like that food, sometimes you don't eat it. Just a sense of transitioning from living for your own needs as a teen/twentysomething to having your needs take more of a backseat. I do think it's so important to carve out time for self-care as a pregnant mom or new mom. That's something I really need right now. I actually started crying last night talking to Tyson about it, because there are so many things that would be good for me but that we can't really afford right now (I asked if we could find a way to make room in the budget for a Pilates class for me and there just wasn't room, so I'm not taking the class). There are some other issues, completely exclusive to our family, that I can email you about, too, if you're interested. For me, taking a bath a few times a week has been therapeutic for me. I grab a book or magazine and stay in there sometimes for almost an hour after the boys are asleep, while Tyson is up working on one of his projects. ;) But I did want to encourage you-- I'm almost positive that a bunch of dark, secret parts of yourself that you didn't realize were there are going to pop up. It's more than anything an awakening, a realization of all the time you had, all the time you wasted, prior. Because after, there is very little time to be wasted. (Of course there is some time to be had to yourself-- I am, after all, reading and responding to your blog!!! :) )
I just would love to be an encouragement to you if I can be during the next few months (and after!)-- know that you are not alone! Call your mom lots, get together with friends lots, and have home date nights with Caleb when date nights out aren't possible. Rest, rest, rest. Take naps. Eat chocolate. :) Something that I really enjoyed doing when I was pregnant (and still do) was starting a journal for both of my boys. I still write them letters in it on big occasions like birthdays or just random days sometimes. I want to give them the journals when they are grown. :)
i will be praying for you! i had no idea what i was getting into when i got pregnant with zu (the good or the bad of it!) since i didn't have a lot of friends that were moms, so i didn't go through the initial freak-out, but afterwards was hard for me. those first couple months after having zu were probably some of the hardest months of my life. not because of her though, just because of me--a lot of painful growing. i think you are more mature than i was when i had zu though, and more prepared too. i was not the most "motherly" person, especially before having zu, so even now i still feel like i have a lot more catching up to do with these mothering instincts than other girls i know. but God is gracious to make us sufficient for the task! i feel like both of my girls have radically changed who i am, and for the better. somedays i do have hiding-in-the-bathroom crying meltdowns, but most days are filled with more joy than i ever had before we were blessed with babies.
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