in the spring, magnolias

If I die in the winter send roses 

In the spring, magnolias

If I’m called in the summer or in the fall 

Best of all – bring me a wildflower bouquet 

In the dirt and clay don’t lay me down

And stare at a cold lonely hole in the ground

When I go to my Maker in smoke and ash

It won’t be your grief I crave

Your tears will not be necessary

Build a blazing fire, drink something merry

patty lenoir
{1924-2014}

When the sparks fly off into the wind

That will be me blowing away

Bury my ashes with the dogs I’ve loved

My faithful companions from God above

And ‘neath a sycamore we’ll grow strong

And the roots will bear us away

If my one true Love should join me there

Mother nature soon will be aware

That sycamore will thrum and sing

And we’ll have left it that way.

So I don’t want you to feel sorry

God knows how I despise your pity

And I’ll no longer bear the weight of worry

Those angry robes all fall away

I’ll be singing loud and laughing long

A blaze of glory and an untold song

So there’s no need for tears my friend

Just bring a wildflower bouquet

:::

losing C's grandmother was quite a blow. we knew her time would come eventually, but never thought it would be so soon. and even though she was almost 90 years old, her death shocked us- we weren't ready for it. but who is ever ready for death to take someone they love?

i have been so honored to be apart of her family for the past ten years. to have known her and witness how she loved her family. i think she was the first true matriarch i have ever met. she held her family together by loving them each and all no matter what choices they made. and at her funeral i have never experienced a more powerful witness- truly she embodied the proverb, "she is clothed in strength and dignity...her children will rise up and call her blessed." there was so much blessing of her life on saturday. and so much of who C has become is a result of her love. 

it has led me to think more about being a parent and how i long to embody that love for my family. how i desire to be a matriarch, someone who is truly mourned at my death. not just because death is scary, but because i will be missed. that, as how it is now without C's grandmother, a piece of who we are is gone.

another thing i learned from C's family this week is how important it is to tell family stories. each of them are storytellers- and most of the week was spent laughing and sharing stories about his grandmother and grandfather. i want my family to know me- to know my story and love it enough to tell others about it. not just know my name and some things i did. what my job was or how i made money- but how i lived my life fully. for all the sadness this week of losing such a loved woman, there was equal joy and laughter at celebrating her life.

these past two weeks have been rough, to put it simply. i could definitely find better words, but some of you might be offended...haha. but if you think of us at all, please say a prayer- we feel incredibly vulnerable to satan's attacks. this is already such a busy and restless season- preparing for baby and C starting a business- but in addition there are babyshowers to plan for friends, family visits, serving at our church, childbirth classes, and things just keep breaking around our house. i feel like i end up in a closet crying almost every day now- feeling so overwhelmed and desperately needing rest {which when i say that, people promptly remind me that this is just the beginning and oh just wait till the baby's born, which makes me panic more}. this week, we are taking time to just pursue rest intentionally- thankfully there are no meetings or agendas. just me and C and laundry and house cleaning, going to bed as early as possible and sifting through our grief.