a new word for the new year

instead of making resolutions, C and i have {for two years now} been thinking of individual words for each of us that we want to define our year. this has worked out so well for me-- because though goals are good and needed, i too often tied my value to what i succeeded at and what i didn't. and the truth is, God doesn't love me any less or more because of what i didn't or did accomplish last year. whether or not i lost the 20lbs i wanted to or learned a new skill, my body is still His temple and He still made me and loves me just the same.

fun in december snow!

so though i truly desire some things for this year-- like surviving {and maybe even enjoying?} new motherhood despite all the scary things people say, losing the baby weight and then some, finding time for myself occasionally, and using my gifts-- i don't think i will be making any resolutions.

other than, to be resolute in pursuing who God is calling me to be-- what He is calling our family to be.

last year's word was Courage. and boy was that a life changer. i had no idea what i was in for.

i said i would be courageous-- so in march God challenged my faith by introducing us to a group of believers in n.kentucky. story-formed-life rocked my world and my faith for the better, confronting me with what my head said i believed and what my life and actions showed what i actually believed. oh that was so hard. to learn that all my life i'd said i trusted God, but lived in fear and worry and doubt and insecurity about friends and money and the world and my family.

i said i'd be courageous. so God asked me to give Him the big thing i was holding back from Him-- my womb. i was terrified to give it to Him-- terrified to become a mother. to be held accountable for teaching a little one the love of Christ when i have never experienced it fully? to be the encourager, the patient wise voice, the disciplinarian, the teacher? to lose myself? oh how i quaked in fear. but He asked me to trust Him-- to give what i was holding on to over to Him. and i did, though i cannot say i did it lightly or immediately. what really happened was God asked and i said nonononono over and over again and clenched my hands and prayed oh God i don't trust You, but i want to until He pried each finger away and there it was in the open.

i said i'd be courageous. and now i have a little baby on the way-- and i'm still not sure what to think of that. a baby and bloodthinning shots and highrisk labels and all the other scary 'normal' risks of pregnancy and birth. but at this point there is no going back and i have to trust God-- because if i don't, where else would i go?

i said i'd be courageous. so God called C to quit his job and pursue a calling to start a new business. i said i'd trust Him to provide for our family-- and each month the bills have come and He has been faithful. He has been faithful, even through my doubting. Even through my struggling to have trust in Him when others have said we should choose the 'sensible' thing-- the lie that God would never ask us to do something irrational or scary. like giving up money when we should save it. like quitting a good job for one that doesn't pay. oh i've struggled to find peace with Him in His calling. to find peace in not having rational answers to give when people ask us why we are in the situation we're in. to find peace in looking foolish-- even to other believers.

courage sure didn't look like what i thought it would. no brave knights and swords and slain dragons here. for me, it looks like being scared out of my mind and through tears and trembling choosing faith anyway. even though i don't want to. even though it's irrational and it hurts. i hope it will get easier with time.

so i say with some hesitancy that this year's word is going to be Trust.
it goes hand in hand with courage. and faith. and i feel like they are all different aspects of the same thing. but this year i'm going to try to learn to trust God more. to trust Him with this baby. to trust Him with my individual interests. to trust Him with my friendships. to trust Him with my family. to trust Him with my body. to trust Him in my marriage. and to trust Him in the life of C as he leads our family.

Trust.

happy new year to you all.
this year, may He draw you ever nearer.

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also, if you haven't seen it yet, here's a great video my friends made about the truth about new years resolutions. enjoy!