mercies new every morning

"this is plenty of miracle for me to rest in now." 

{anne lammot, traveling mercies}

hm.

when things fall apart, they all fall apart, don't they?

C's car has been acting up and unreliable for three weeks now. our disposal broke and then was fixed and now it is leaking all over our floor (?). we have company coming over just about every night between now and when we leave for tennessee, which is wonderful but also exhausting for this introverted pregnant person. 

i would like to say that i'm enjoying the Christmas season. and i am, in theory. i love decorating my home, love Christmas baking, and buying presents for friends and family. but this year it has been lackluster. we won't be giving gifts to anyone this year- which has been humbling and embarrassing to say. i never thought much about gifts until this year when i couldn't give them. and it's made me realize what a mercy it is to be able to bless others. one that is not guaranteed and one that i know i have taken for granted. God gives us good things and we in turn bring joy and life through giving out of that abundance that He has given us. 

not that we have not still been given good things this year. they just look different than money. the good things we are being blessed with are family and friends that love us and bless us with things we need-- in spite of our inability to give back. and maybe the lesson is for me to just let myself be blessed this season-- to not let my pride get in the way of receiving. and of recognizing the small things i can give. hot chocolate to a stranger. a bowl of soup to a friend. my time and a listening ear. 

He has given us miracles. there are so many. so many things to be thankful for in the midst of the crazy pre-christmas rushing and visiting. like joann at anthem and kendra at walgreens who both fought for me for three days by phone to my pharmaceutical provider so that i could get coverage for my bloodthinners. miraculous. or homemade turkey stock from liz. game night with friends. spaceheaters. corn chowder. gummy worms. energy to run errands. being able to eat meat again. being able to cook again. my belly getting bigger and (hopefully) being a healthy home for the little one. all miraculous. 

it's so easy to look at the empty tree and feel discouraged and overwhelmed with all that life is demanding of us right now. so easy to feel less than myself because i feel like i'm giving less. have less. that the tree is a symbol of me right now: emptied. but maybe that's an okay place to be-- to rely fully on the provision of God month to month-- to rely on our friends to be friends-- to rely on our family to be our family-- to rely on miracles big and small to bring us rest. to not rely on ourselves any longer. a painful lesson that we're not done learning. but maybe that's the good gift God is giving us this year-- to learn to fully rely on Him. to trust Him with everything.